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It was like i’d crossed a threshold, stepped over an important line.And unfortunately, having crossed that line, i haven’t looked back and have used the card numerous times since. You promise yourself for a long time that you won’t cross a certain line, but then you do, and it becomes easy to repeat that sin again.
Thus, the absence of a halal outlet for this desire is another factor that has brought me to where i am now. Imam Anwar al-Awlaqi mentions it in one of his CD sets.I deleted the porn saved on my PC and he tells me he did the same.By Allah’s Grace he is still going good, whereas, i have found it more difficult.Knowing that i am a practicing Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling. And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse. I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time – hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good.It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.