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The easy way to leave Berlin is to move to any one of the three places the elite German population of Berlin has sound reason to feel superior to, which are: Wiedenborstel, Kleinbockedra, and Bebra.If you happen to move to one of these three, you can stop reading after this paragraph.Never ask for details about those friends they are talking about. Better prepare for their next move:“So, where exactly in New York will you be living?” Because you are probably 8000% less sentimental than the average elite German person about what neighbourhood and type of building you live in, you probably don’t know yet or can’t care enough to remember.They might just have planned to go, but never actually left home, or they might have visited the city on vacation, but never lived there, or they did in fact live there for a few months, but only found bar jobs and ran out of money, or they actually were photography interns, but not for Ellen von Unwerth, but Ellen Krapszinsky, alcoholic wedding photographer.Don’t bother to report back to Germany about such tiny, irrelevant particularities, though — you´d look awfully nit-picky and uptight.It is a fertile soil for Horror films, and has been since the beginning – French innovator Georges Méliès is credited has having created the first film with horror elements, The Devil’s Castle in 1896 (Pre-dating his sci-fi masterpiece A Trip to the Moon by 6 years).

It covers home-invasion, found-footage, torture-porn, pastiche, body-horror, New French Extremity, ghost stories, zombies, vampires, werewolves, trolls and the occasional thriller.A grandeur whose existence you weren’t aware of, and never meant to exude, but is very real and very challenging to every elite German person. No matter what city you go to, you can count on your elite German acquaintances to already have an extensive network of uberinteresting people in place.It is driving them mad with furious envy, which of course they can’t admit to in public, so they try their hardest to candy-coat it with pushy, dishonest empathy.“Ohh, Neeeew Yooork…! The subtext of course being that they are absolutely unimpressed by you moving there as well, and that any claim of individuality enhancement on your part (which you were never going to make) would be absolutely ridiculous to them.Simply tell your friends you’re moving to a rural shithole, and enjoy the many beer-spilling dive bar binges you will get invited to out of pity.However, it is more likely that you won’t be allowed to leave Berlin the easy way, because you just had to act like a total dick again and choose one of the many cities which make elite German people twitch nervously with population envy.

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